Why am I doing this?

It's a double half marathon weekend. And it's a little scary. But I'm trying to keep some focus and perspective. Three months ago I could barely walk without painkillers (see gross pics on the stress reaction that occurred all over my feet) so whatever I manage this weekend is an achievement.

Mentally, I've found myself reminding myself why am I doing this. I go through lots of different reasons:

• because I can
• because this redefines who I think I was and who others think I am or was
• because it shows I can do anything I put my mind to
• because it helps me to raise awareness or funds on something I care about.

But the real reason I do it, the real reason I kept going when my skin blistered, why I pull on my favourite but stiff socks on a consecutive run day, why I loyally trot home to rest when I'd rather be sipping wine in a jazz tunnel, is because I can control this. I don't have to do it. I don't have to get up in the dark, run 13 miles, call food "fuel". And that's a really good reminder. When you find out someone you love has cancer, or you find out you've got some crazy arse ailment that pops your skin, or you realise that actually some people do really want to hurt you, you can forget all of that and take charge of something amazing or as Andy Mouncey says: you can tackle the challenge that you choose, rather than the challenge that chooses you.

So that's what I am going to remember tomorrow and Sunday while I clock up 22 and 20kms and be proud of any time it takes to cover that distance.

PS I am still a little bit nervous