Tomorrow I'm going to run a half marathon as part of my training for London Ultra. And if i get to the end of it I will feel really pleased. Even though I have run two marathons and have many times run this same achievable distance. I will be pleased because I don't feel like a runner.
I feel like a nervous worked up ball of knots. A person who is caught up in a few mentalisms not appropriate for airing in public. A person caught in a big job that I am trying to deliver effectively to redeem some self worth - but whose delivery means a lot of effort. And some of that high expectation stuff I put on myself without realising it be it for fundraising, volunteering or just trying to be a decent friend. I've also got a bit caught up in the Thing that is Christmas, due to some personal commitments that are going a bit bonkers but essentially leave me a bit flotsam and jetsam-like and alone, and out of the house which isn't terribly buoying my spirits.
I am tired. I am thirsty. Or more to the point, I can't drink enough and I can't eat enough for my training. I am grumpy and emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. I get a stitch while sleeping. I don't want to run. And I feel like I can't run. I have felt for the first time that I don't want to do this bloody event any more.
But Ii will. I will read my visualisation notes. I will put one foot in front of the other. And I'll use these runs to conquer some of the mentalisms and Christmas angst. I'll do it because the feeling at the end of the race will feel a million times better than the lousiness I feel now.
But I just wanted to ramble on about how awful I feel as I always try and be a bit upbeat and I thought having a bit of a whinge might help me feel better about it. Hmm did it?
Hey there, it's ok to let it all,out. You're entitled to a moan - you do sooo much. Be gentle on yourself and don't forget to make sure you rest too (yours is the voice I hear when I'm over-training telling me that rest is a part of any training!).
ReplyDeleteIf it helps one of the things I'm going to do (between you, me and your blog readers) to help me get through the marathon is to dedicate every mile to someone. So when I'm running I can think... "This is for so-and-so" and hope it gives me the drive to put that mile in the bank. Don't know if it will work but it's worth a go - makes me smile thinking of who and why I'd dedicate too.
Anyway, hang on in there, don't stress about Xmas, it's a day that will pass too. It's about giving and you do that in abundance, time to give yourself what you need.
Take care you x
Thanks Tash for your really kind words and support.
ReplyDeleteDedicating a mile does help though when I bonked in Berlin I shouted "it's ok for you, you're dead" at the sky at km36 :)
I think the most helpful thing about this post is admitting that I'm not brill at all this and it's really flipping hard! Guess that's why we're doing it!