Wednesday, 27 June 2012

I am here

I haven't written a blog post for a long time, mostly because I've been more introspective and also spending more time with real people. Which isn't to say that the twitter running community aren't real, I'm just very lucky to know the best of them offline too.
There has been a lot going on of late. I quit my "dream job" because of the stress, I found a new but very different job and I left my partner of three years. I tried to start my ironman training. I tried to find a new house to live in. In the spaces in between, I hurt for various reasons, because sometimes change smarts, and it's easy to feel like a failure. But I kept moving, training, volunteering, being active with charities, socialising - to keep that hurt at bay. Anyone who has tried to do that will know it catches up on you eventually and for me it manifested itself in my physical health.
In the last few weeks, I've had more fevers than I care to remember (including one that the NHS dramatically feared was from malaria!), had more infections than I might have had ever, and now as a result of this illness smorgasbord, find myself underweight, exhausted, emotional, in a lot of pain, unable to walk more than 100m and desperately hoping the doctors find out how to treat the symptoms of my current infection while dealing with a way to booster my weakened immune system. 
I've made a few decisions in the last 24 hours that I am not able to share yet - until I've reached everyone they affect. I know these are the best decisions for me and I will get better and stronger. There will be other marathons, other lakes and seas to swim in, other hills to climb and ride. I'm not giving up on my ironman dream, but the first and most important thing I can do for any training is to get better. I won't be thinking swim bike or run for four weeks; I want to see if I can do sleep, eat and smile instead. 
My lovely father - who is as goal driven as myself - told me of his pain when last year with chronic health issues, he had to pull out of Everest base camp after telling everyone he was going to do it. It felt awful for him to rearrange his life and plans and face up to what he couldn't do, when his belief system is built on 'anything is possible'. But as he pointed out, Everest is still there, and most importantly so is he. 

I'll be back

Thanks tremendously to the person who has most nursed me through all this illness and change in my life, though I hope I never have to repay the favour, I gladly would. 

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